One Year and Life Lessons

September 9th – “One Year and Life Lessons”

A slight rain is falling, birds are chirping and deer are on the edge of the tree line.  I’ve lit one of my favorite smelling incense sticks as I watch the day waken.  It’s about as peaceful as it can get. It’s an early morning for me.  My cousins had been in town all week, and they left this morning around 5:30am.  I couldn’t fall back asleep so I figured I would do a little writing.  

This past week we took my father down to the lake to do a little fishing.  I hadn’t fished with him in probably 30 years.  My cousins’ family and ours would always go on fishing trips in Northern Michigan every summer.  It really meant a lot to us to get to go fishing with my dad again.  He did really great!  It was hard for him to get in and out of the boat but he was a trooper and managed to do it many times without falling.  He is unstable due to the strokes he had earlier in the year.  He will be 90 years old on October 29 and he still put his hooks on his fishing pole without even wearing glasses.  He and I were the only ones to catch any fish and he caught more than I did!  Those two days were really special for me.  I’ve wanted to take him there for a long time but couldn’t do it by myself.   Thanks to my cousins and my brother, we had a great few days with dad fishing.  He was a real trooper!  Seemed just like his old self again.  Way to go, Pops!

On August 23rd, I saw my plastic surgeon.  This was the first time I’ve seen him since I had my last surgery.  He seemed very happy about everything and we scheduled surgery to have my port taken out in November.  This makes me very happy.  Once my port is out I will be able to get back to my normal hobbies:  golf, swimming, skiing and working out.  I have never wanted to work out so bad.  I feel so out of shape.   Feeling sick for almost a year and doing nothing physically has been awful for me.  I’m normally very active so I can’t wait to get this port out. 

August 29th was chemo day.  This was my second to my last one.  One year of getting chemo every 3 weeks.  The countdown has been a long one.  It has felt like “99 bottles of beer on the wall”.  Remember singing that?  It took forever to sing that didn’t it?  Today would also be the last day that I see my oncologist for a while. She told me that everything was going along great and that she would now see me every three months for the first two years, then gradually over the years the months would stretch out to longer periods.   She is scheduling an appointment for me to see a bone specialist for my hips, neck, hands and ankle.  I’m still having severe hand pain and finger joint problems.  I’m really praying that a pinched nerve is the cause of that and it can be fixed.  If the cause is the Estrogen blocker pill I have to take, I’m not sure what to do.  Taking this pill reduces the chances of my cancer coming back by 50% so I must take it.  But…being a musician, I need complete control of my hands and fingers, so I’m asking you all to please pray those issues go away very soon and it’s NOT a 5 year issue.  I have to take the pill for 5 years or possibly longer.   Let’s hope and pray it’s a pinch nerve and can be fixed. 

 

I asked my oncologist why we weren’t scheduling any PET scans for the future.  She explained that in their studies, there were no benefits from breast cancer patients getting PET scans.  I couldn’t understand why not.  She said that typically if breast cancer comes back, it comes back in your bones, brain or lungs, and if my breast cancer ever comes back to another location, it would be considered stage 4!  That hit me like a ton of bricks when she said that.  I said, “So that’s basically doomsday???”  She said no, that it was simply called stage 4 because it would have metastasized and whenever that happens it is automatically called stage 4.   

Though I understood what she said, it still put me in somewhat of a depression for a few days.  Then again I remembered…”stop worrying about the future.  Try to take the best care of myself that I could and that I could get hit by a Mack truck tomorrow.”  They have come a long way with cancer treatments and I needed to stay positive.   

My neuropathy in my feet, well, I’m learning to live with that.  Niacin does seem to help some but the pain and numbness is still there.  Over the last few weeks I’ve also noticed swelling in my right ankle.  Not sure what is causing that.  I know if I walk a lot it swells.   My hip pain has actually gotten a little bit better.  Once I see the bone specialist I will know if I have to have hip surgery.  I really really do not want to have hip surgery.  That will cause even more time of not touring.  I miss being on the road singing, meeting people, seeing those that have come to shows for years.  I’ve played music every weekend of my life since I was 5 years old.  This has been the longest period of my life of not performing.  It’s a huge part of who I am and I miss it. 

August 27th was a very emotional day for me.   This day marked one year since I found my lump.  One year of confusion, pain, illness, doctors, chemo’s, tests and surgery’s.  Almost every day of being scared.   I’ve learned a lot about who I was, who I am,  and who I now want to be.  I’ve also learned a lot about people.  How so many distant relationships grew deeper while some close relationships became somewhat distant.  Some relationships were even absent.   Then there were those that remained consistent through it all.  

It’s amazing what you observe when you can only sit while you watch people.  I’ve learned a lot.  I watched people change for the better through this.  Then I’ve watched them go right back to how they use to be.  It’s sad that we get these life changing experiences and it causes us to realize what’s important, to change and be better.  Then, as time goes by, we simply return to how we were before.  I hope and pray that my attitude stays the same now and I don’t change back to how I was.  I wake up every day thankful for my life.  The one I had, the one I have, and the days ahead of me.  I’m thankful for all the people that I love and that love me.  I still get upset over things but quickly remind myself to stop, breath, start over and smile.   I get frustrated when I can’t pick something up or open a water bottle because of my hands but things could be a lot worse than that right?   

Growing up I was always a goofy silly kid and stayed that way for most of my adult life.  Then unpleasant things in life started to happen and life became to serious for me and I lost the carefree goofy soul I use to be.  I guess we all go through that when we grow up because life hits us in the face sometimes with heartbreak, death and illnesses.  I’ve lost myself for many years and now I want the old me back. My “new normal” will be returning to the old me again.  The me from many years ago.  Be happy, laugh, dance when everyone or no one is watching.  I’m tired of worrying.  A lot of responsibility’s have been placed on me over the past years and I’ve allowed them to weigh me down by worrying.  I may not be able to return to my job the way it was before but will worrying help the situation?  Nope.  Will worrying make me sick and possibly cause my cancer to reoccur?  Yep.   Something great will happen and I just have to put that out there to God and the universe and accept it when it comes my way.  I really hope anyone reading this apply’s it to their life and it doesn’t take getting sick to wake up to what’s really important. 

I have been very blessed that I grew up with parents who taught me to work hard in life.  I’ve been blessed more than most in so many ways.  Material things fill my house and life.  If I can’t return to my normal job, something will happen and fill that spot.  I just have to have faith that it will all work out.  We get so caught up in making a living that we forget to make a life.  This past year has been a great reminder to me of how important relationships are and how doing things for others makes the world such a better place.  I can’t thank my friends and peers enough for every thing they have done for me.  The Nashville music community has made me even prouder to live and work in this town.  Without their help I’m not sure what I would have done.  I hope to only pay it forward.   I have made some great new friends this year and only hope to continue too.  

It’s amazing who and what comes into your life when you open up about things. 

At first I was undecided on if I would talk about my cancer journey publicly but I sure am glad I did.  My goal was to help others, bring awareness to breast cancer and to encourage women to get yearly exams but so much more has come out of opening up and talking about it.  Hearing back from others has also helped me and kept me in the ring fighting when I’ve had times of almost giving up.  

I’ve also learned that being content with many things is ok.  I think for all of us it’s sometimes hard to just accept, be content with what we have.  We have this need for more in life.  I guess that keeps us going.  New goals, higher pay, better jobs.  Why do we wait for retirement to be content with what we have?  Why do we always want more?  Isn’t it funny that we work our lives away to buy things, fill our houses of stuff just to want to get rid of it all when we get a little older?  All I hear now is “downsizing” from everyone my age lol.    “Stuff” means more responsibility’s, more to keep track of, more to worry about.   I go to this place on the lake and I have about a suitcase full of clothes, some pots and pans, minimal furniture, no clutter and boy what peace it brings me.  There’s great people around there and it’s a great place to spend with people I love and heal.  I can open a cabinet door without something falling on my head.  That place is a reminder to me that we don’t “need” so many things.  Sure “things” are fun to have but when it comes down to do it…would you rather have a house full of things or great memories of trips and fun things you did with people you love? 

If you have money, spend it on things you really love and not just things to fill your house that you will soon just get rid of.  

Over the last month I’ve heard my dad say some things that have really bothered me.  “I wish I would have”.  My dad worked 7 days a week at Ford Motor Company. Usually double shifts and often times triple shifts without coming home. I really only saw my dad when we took vacations or summers when school was out.  He and I would play music together.  When he had time off he didn’t really know how to handle it and be happy because he was so use to working he forgot how to live.  He worked at Fords for over 38 years.  Never missed 1 day, never called in sick and was never late!!!  He received awards every year for that.  I mean over 38 years and never late to work one time?  Now, at 90, “I wish I would have” comes out of his mouth a lot.  He made enough money to buy a motor home to travel which he loved but he didn’t buy one. He loved to fish and made enough money  to buy a nice fishing boat he didn’t buy one.  He worked all the time but stayed worried about money. He grew up very poor and I think he wanted to make sure he would never be poor again but then again he ended up not having the rich life he could have in other ways.   He had the money to do these things but never the time because working and money meant more at the time.  Now it’s a different story as he looks back.  We are supposed to learn from our elders right?  Well, I don’t want to say, “I wish I would have.”  I want to say, “I’m glad I did”. 

I share all of this because I really feel that we all get caught up in working our lives away thinking we need that to live.  Its great to have the fancy car, the giant house and everything that goes inside it but don’t forgot about those that live inside it or those who visit.  Make memories with them. Spend your money on things that bring you quality in life, not quantity. 

I have also learned that I want to share my life with people who love me.  It’s very sad to have to let some people go but those who don’t know how to love or don’t know how to show love only brings me sadness and I’m done with that.   

Life is too short.  Enjoy it all you can.  You never know what tomorrow will bring.  Be kind and love the one your with.