Jan. 25th.
Today is January 25th. I haven’t written lately because I wasn’t sure how I would continue this blog to be honest. After days of being pretty emotional and sad I’ve decided that I would just have to write how I honestly feel.
I went to see my surgeon on January 18th to discuss surgery options. He did an ultra sound of my tumor and the two lymph nodes that had tested cancer positive months ago before chemo started. As I lay there hoping for him to have good news, he spoke the wonderful words, “Well the chemo did its job and has shrunk the tumor to almost nothing! I don’t really see the tumor and it seems I can only see the marker we placed by that original tumor. The lymph nodes seem to look good as well”. I lay there with tears rolling down my face. I wanted to scream with happiness! I looked over to my friend who was with me (who has been at every doctor appointment with me) and she was crying too. This is the news that every cancer patient wants to hear from their doctor. I lay there thanking God for this news. Thanking God for the doctors and yes thanking God for the chemo though I thought that it would kill me at times.
The surgeon proceeded to tell me how happy he was with the results and that my prognosis for being cancer free is now at 90%. I was very happy but I will say it felt weird in my gut to hear the words…90% survival rate. You want to hear 100% but that isn’t an option with breast cancer. I guess once you have cancer you lose the 100% rating.
The doctor started talking about my surgery options but to be honest I couldn’t really pay attention to everything he said because I was still thinking about the tumor shrinking so much. I wanted to call everyone I knew. Thank God my friend was there and I had notes written down to ask.
My options are a lumpectomy with 35 radiation treatments for 35 days in a row or a mastectomy. If I choose the mastectomy and he doesn’t see any cancer in my lymph nodes at the time of surgery I could forego all radiation. My thought is I have put my body through hell and back, I’d rather not have more toxicity through radiation if it can be avoided. My surgeon says the lumpectomy would do the same job as a mastectomy, that neither one of them was better than the other as far as keeping the cancer from coming back. It’s a lot to think about and a big decision to make.
For either surgery I would be in the surgery/healing process 4-6 weeks so they both will take about the same time for each procedure.
The doctor told me to take a few days to decide and let him know so we could get the ball rolling on which surgery to do.
As we were leaving my heart was full of different emotions. I was feeling extremely blessed over my great news but extremely sad over something else.
I found out earlier in the week that another friend of mine had cancer and her prognosis was not good. Though I wanted to rejoice for myself I started to cry for her. I couldn’t understand how chemo could help one cancer but couldn’t help another kind. Why was I lucky and my friend wasn’t? I know that no cancer is the same and everyones bodies react differently but the thought that she might not survive and I will was hard to accept. I now understand “survivors guilt”. I guess that’s what this is…it’s just hard to understand. My friend I’m referring to is country singer Lari White Cannon. Lari had been diagnosed with rare peritoneal cancer about the same time that I found out I had cancer. Lari’s career took off a couple years just before mine did. We played a lot of the same shows and we were enjoying the success of our careers around the same time. Lari was one of the first artists I met when I moved to Nashville.
Lari and I had been texting that week about our cancers. She told me that she was very sick and that the first chemo protocol didn’t work and that she was about to start a second wave the next week but her prognosis was not good. She continued to type, “I will be praying for your complete healing, xox”. That was the last text she sent me. As sick as she was, she found it in her to want to pray for my healing but that was Lari. Always so kind.
So as you can see, it was hard to really rejoice in my news knowing where Lari was with hers. She lost her battle on Tuesday, Jan 23rd just 12 days after her last text to me. I have been very sad and have had such mixed emotions all week so I decided to wait to blog about my news. Again that feeling of guilt fills me with how can I be so lucky? Why couldn’t it work for Lari? She has a family who needs her… I can pray to find answers that might not ever come, and ultimately only God knows why.
Lari prayed for me to have complete healing. That’s what she wanted for me so I need to rejoice in that. I do feel that Lari would want me to. So I will celebrate the good news I was told by my doctor and I will continue my fight just as Lari would have wanted me to and I will also continue my blog in hopes that I might help someone with their cancer. I will carry Lari with me through my fight and fight harder and pray the someday all cancers can be cured.
God speed to Lari, RIP my friend. You are singing with the angels in the best choir ever. Please check out all of Lari’s music. She had such a gift! And although she launched her career in country music , she had the ability to transcend genres, going from Country, R&B, Jazz, Rock with little effort. In fact my favorite album of hers was her Jazz infused album called “Green Eyed Soul”. If you haven’t heard that album add it to your collection, you won’t be disappointed. The great thing about an artist, their music lives on. She will never be gone and we can take some comfort in the gifts she left us.
Troy Cather says
Anita, I am so happy to hear about your progress. Cancer is so indiscriminate and you have been in my thoughts and prayers. I too was so sad to hear the news of Lari’s death. I agree with you, she is singing and dancing with our Lord and Savior. I continue to keep you lifted in prayer as you continue your healing. Stay strong, God Bless you.
Wanda Adams says
Anita-my Dear Dr-I had 3 biopsies & one lymph node biopsied & each time, I held my breathe til I got results & each they were cancer free! I hv prayed for you each day since finding out you had breast cancer! My hubby -Larry recently died & he had multiple Myeloma! My heart sank when we were sent to Oncolgist for Chemo-they almost killed Larry & he stopped after 5 months! I luv you & admire your testimony! See you at Benefit-hv my tkts!🙏
Renee Lovellette says
Anita I am so happy to hear the news of your visit and I too understand the feeling of “survivors guilt” as I myself was cancer free as of January 24, 2014 when little did I know in August on the 17th, 2014 my life of being a grandmother to our beautiful granddaughter Anastasia would be forever changed by an undiagnosed brain tumor that took her life that horrible day! I too could not and still to this day do not understand how I could be healed from cancer and my granddaughter be taken! It has forever changed my daughter’s life, my son in-laws, my granddaughter Natasha’s life ( Anastasia’s sister) as well as my husbands, my daughter’s, my son and daughter in-law as well as our entire family’s!! Some days are better than others but there is still no answer I can find as to why this had to happen and I may never Understand. I pray everyday for you as well as many family, friends and all cancer patients to be healed!! Today I am joining with you in thanking god for your good news of healing as well as mine and will continue to pray for those fighting the fight!!! Reading your blog today has brought emotions that I still feel as well and I have said that god puts people in our paths for a reason as he did for me by meeting you! As I told you when we met that you are an inspiration to us all and to keep on blogging because if you can save one person it is so worth it!! Today You have touched many and We Are Rejoicing with you in Your Wonderful News!!!! You said it best when you said good news/sad news day, for I truly understand my friend!!! Thank you for continuing your blog even on the hardest days!!! Truly inspirational!!!
Tracy Banks Turnbull says
Hearts and prayers are with you Nita’. Keep fighting…it has always been your spirit!!! Happy to hear your good news! Much love – Tracy
Rae Sauson-Roy says
Anita, I am so sorry for your loss and the decision you are facing. I will tell you about my situation, of which I don’t mean to sway you on your decision. I can only tell you what I chose to do and how I feel about that decision. Back in 1986 I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I had a lumpectomy, which took 3/4 of the breast, followed by 12 weeks of radiation. Now the radiation was not too bad as I was able to continue to work during it. I healed without a nipple and had to wear a small prosthesis. In 2010 I was again diagnosed with breast cancer in the same breast. This time the procedure was a mastectomy and chemo. The chemo was done because the lymph nodes were taken back in 1986 during the lumpectomy and there was no way they could see if the cancer had spread this time. The first cancer was not estrogen receptive but the second cancer was. Two different cancers in the same breast 25 years apart. I did have the Brca1 test done with negative results. They were unable to do reconstruction because the skin was too thin because of the radiation. My Plastic Surgeon spent a whole year trying to stretch the skin with out any results. That was the hardest part of the whole situation. I am 75 years old and opted to not go thru the abdomen surgery for reconstructing the breast. When I think back on my cancer journey I think that I would have had the mastectomy the first time around and reconstruction. However because the two cancers differed I am not sure I would have avoided the second cancer. You have a decision to make and one you need to dig deep with questions with your oncologist. I wish you the best in your decision and send a prayer. Please keep us updated.
Kirsten Novotny says
Hi Anita,i just finished reading your blog and have tears running down,partly from sadness from your loss of your friend Lari,and also your good news..i lost my mom 9/29/96 from cancer,reading this brought back a lot of feelings and memories of what she had to endure much like you..i have had many loved ones who have dealt with the breast cancer diagnosis and am happy to say all are happy and healthy cancer free(except my grandmother) and that was so long ago i believe they didnt have all the treatments as they do today.Thankyou for sharing your journey it means more than you know!God Bless you in your tough decision and may you be blessed with many happy healthy years of creating beautiful music!! I dont know how i’ve lost touch with it but ya better believe i’m back!! PRAYERS FOR YOU in your last stages of your recovery process.
Anita Cochran says
Hi old friend!!!! I’m so sorry to read about your momma. My goal with this blog is to help educate woman on what I’m going thru and tao encourage them to have all of their tests done yearly and to ask for 3D imaging instead of regular mammos. 3D show’s more in depth. I hope you are doing well!!!
Love.
Anita