Had to have fluids again this morning. Trying to do everything I can to hopefully feel better on Christmas. It took them quite a while to get me in the infusion room but I told them I had to get back there because I had another doctors appointment in Nashville that I had to get to. Once I got back there it took about two hours to get the fluids. Yesterdays appointment at the Vanderbilt Osher Center went well. I’m glad I went. They deal with a lot of mental, physical and spiritual health needs. It’s really a great facility for anyone who is going through breast cancer. They can set you up with yoga classes, acupuncture, therapists, groups at Gilda’s club and so on. Was pretty tired after being at the doctors all day so we went home and rested.
I’m eating very little and it’s concerning. I can barely eat anything. It’s just as frustrating as it is concerning because I literally have to plan our 3-4 meals for me eat and pray the one of them will work. It’s a lot of food wasted. I really wish research or doctors could come up with a remedy to solve this food issue. This isn’t a struggle for all cancer patients but I bet it is for most. It depends on what kind of chemo you are doing. Even my go to’s like eggs and Fruitloops aren’t even tasting correctly now. I’ve always been able to fall back on those but now they are even tasting a little funky.
A couple friends were going to stop over and bring me dinner. They brought me what I thought I could eat. A baked potato, corn and shrimp. I thought I would be able to eat this because I could eat it just days before this last chemo treatment. It didn’t taste right but I forced myself to eat because I had to eat something!
It was great to see my friends. I haven’t seem them in a very long time. I started feeling pretty bad just before they left and then it got worse after they left.
I threw up for the first time since doing the chemo treatments and it was just awful! I threw up a lot and it burned my chest so bad. Felt like my chest was on fire. It hurt so bad all I could do was cry. I don’t know if I threw up because the food was bad or if it was because I didn’t take my zophran tablet that day. I typically stop taking that after four days after chemo but for some reason today, the 3rd day after chemo I just forgot to take it.
Usually today on Dec 23 I’m running around finishing up my Christmas shopping and getting all the food. Today, I can barely get off the couch. Definitely not the Christmas I would wish on anyone. I haven’t purchased one gift. I can’t explain how I feel. Like I said earlier, Christmas has always been my favorite time of the year. This year it seems as if I’m in a dream and watching the Christmas holiday from a far. I’ve come to terms with it. I have been so blessed with all of my past Christmas’s. It’s ok if this one is different…or I sort of sit this one out.
My caretaker and I thought we would try to go out to eat for a burrito. I was able to eat a little of it but I pretty much forced myself.
We went home and watched a Christmas movie like we had done the last 4 nights ha ha.
Dec 24th Christmas Eve
Christmas Eve’s have always been the best night of the year for me. Since I was a child my aunts, uncles and cousins would come over. You just never really knew who was going to stop by. We always ordered pizza and had a shrimp tray, cheese and cracker. I don’t really know what started that tradition but it seemed to had always been there. Our gifts would be sprawled out into the living room floor from the tree. Christmas was really the only time my parents bought us toys so they always over did it. We would open our gifts on Christmas Eve while our relatives and friends were there. It was always the so much fun!
Even when my family moved to TN that tradition still stayed. Friends would pop over and join in the festivities with us. Christmas morning was just as excited. We would open our stockings together and our stockings were always full of good stuff and $100 bill. Our relatives would come back over for dinner. It truly was the best two days of the year always!
September, 2015 my mother passed after a 6 month battle of being in a vegetative state coma from encephalitis. It was for sure the hardest Christmas I ever had. I couldn’t stay in town that year because it was just too hard so I went with a friend to NY for the holidays. Since then, all those Christmas traditions have gone.
Today, I asked my caretaker if she and I could go to the mall and walk around. I needed to get off that couch and try to feel Christmas around me. We went to PF Changs for lunch. I managed to eat a little soup but her’s tasted better so we thought we’d come back and I would get the soup she ordered for dinner. We walked around for a few hours but didn’t buy anything. I was getting pretty tired so we left and went to the grocery store on the way home.
When we got home we just watched TV (more Christmas movies). I tried to eat several things but nothing tasted right so my caretaker ran up to PF Changs to get me the soup she had earlier. She brought it home and I couldn’t eat that either! So frustrating! Now my food problem is changing hourly not just daily.
I ended up eating Fruitloops for Christmas Eve dinner.
Dec 25th Christmas Day!!
We got up, made coffee and went to the tree to open up a couple of gifts and play with the dogs. They love to open presents. This was like no other Christmas morning for sure. But as I sat there, I just appreciated every Christmas I had ever had before. I felt bad that I wasn’t well enough to see my family or cook for them and have them over but Chemo was just a few days ago and I knew I wouldn’t be able to see them on this day. Once the dogs finished opening their gifts I went back to the couch. A couple friends called and said they wanted to stop by so they came by and stayed for a while. So good to have company! Then some other friends popped over and had dinner with my caretaker. I couldn’t eat so I joined in on the conversations from the couch. I wasn’t feeling very well at all and as the day went by I got worse. I always feel worse in the evenings. I was pretty tired and didn’t feel so great for the rest of the night. I hope all of you had a wonderful Christmas. Next year will be a great one for me. I’m counting on that! I love this picture of my girl Molly. She’s found Christmas:)
We were going to go to the lake today and stay there through the New Year but I wasn’t feeling well. The lake is about 1.5 hours away and there are not hospitals there so it really wouldn’t be smart to go there while I’m not feeling well. I pretty much stayed on the couch today.
Woke up and felt a little better so we are going to run a few errands and head down to the lake. If I’m going to just be on the couch we might as well have a different couch to sit on with a different view! My eyes continue to just water. My skin around my eyes is red now from all the tears. I’ve tried two different kinds of drops now and neither of them seem to be working. Dry eyes from side effects from the chemo. My vision stays blurry because of all the water. It’s very frustrating especially when I’m out in public. I can’t even read price tags.
We got to the lake in the evening. It was so nice to be somewhere else.
Food is still a struggle.
I love being at the lake. It’s so peaceful and quiet. We decided to go out for breakfast and I actually could taste the food a little.
We went grocery shopping and then back home to the couch. 9 days after chemo and still not feeling well. It’s very odd. I can go a few hours and feel ok than bam…back to feeling bad. I started feeling pretty sick in the grocery store and was craving Kentucky Fried Chicken. I have no idea why but I had a craving for the skin part. I haven’t had Kentucky Fried Chicken in many years. I managed to eat a chicken breast, some mac and cheese and mash potatoes. That has been the most I’ve eaten in a very long time.
When we got home we started watching a Netflix show called “Last Tango In Halifax” OMG we are addicted now. We continue to watch show after show. I highly recommend it.
My stomach is still a mess. I’m still taking meds for cramping and stomach issue.
Food taste is coming back very slowly but at least I am not able to find something to eat. Keep in mind, nothing ever really tastes normal, it’s just tolerable.
Still not sleeping so great because of the pain and numbness in my feet and pain in stomach. I took my pain killer again. I’m afraid to keep taking it because of my liver but I have to relieve the pain somehow so I can at least get a couple hours of sleep. Didn’t really do much today but watched the addicting tv show again…many episodes ha ha.
Two of my best friends bought a lake house over in the next cove from where I am so we met them there today to help them unload some items. This is their first night in their new home and we are all super excited. Of course I couldn’t carry any furniture but I could carry pillows and things like that. They made pizza and I actually ate a slice!!! First full slice of pizza I have had since I started chemo months ago!
It’s really cold outside. Last year I was at the lake and kayaked on Christmas day. It as 75 and sunny! Today it is in the 20’s!
We played the card game Euchre. I love that game and haven’t played it in years. We got home around 8:30pm and I started watching “Last Tango In Halifax” again. I think we watched 3 or 4 episodes before going to bed.
Dec 31 NEW YEARS EVE
Last day of 2017 and I’ll be honest. I will be glad to see this year go!
My last years resolution was to get in the best shape I had ever been. I had no idea I would be trying to get cancer out of me! I guess in a way I was following through with my resolution but it wasn’t what I thought it would be. I thought I would be going to the gym every day NOT to the hospital for chemo infusions.
So, I will continue that resolution into this years resolution but add…”finish kicking cancers ass”!
We had our neighbors and our friends that just bought their lake house over for dinner and New Year’s Eve. It was nice to have company and I could actually eat a little pasta and a little chicken!!! My friend made her fabulous stuffed mushrooms that I love and I could taste them! Again…not 100% but it still tasted good, just not as good as it tasted to my friends.
Our neighbors left around 10pm. I decided to ask my friends if they wouldn’t mind shaving the rest of my hair off. I had cut it really short a couple of months ago but now there really wasn’t much left. It became very patchy and you could see my skin through it so at 10:15pm we left the rest of my chemo hair in 2017!
What a way to ring in the new year lol!
Jan 1 New Years Day
Well, Happy New Year! Welcome 2018!
Our neighbors invited us all over for a New Year brunch. They had 2 different kinds of quiche, corn bread, black eyed peas, fruit and bacon. It was great because I literally could taste most of it which made me really happy! Very nice of them to have us over! We chatted and watched football. It was really cold on the walk back home even though they are only 5 houses over. Tennessee doesn’t typically get this cold and stay this cold.
We decided to stay here for another day which always makes me very happy.
I’m still adjusting to my new hair cut. I think most of us have probably wondered what we would look like bald or some of us may have even been tempted to shave our heads. I now understand why guys shave their heads. It’s so easy to take care of lol! Takes a lot less time to get ready to go somewhere! My friends say I look like a super hero ha ha but I sure don’t feel like one!
I’m going to continue on my last years resolution as to be the healthiest I can be this year and be in the best shape I’ve ever been. I’m hoping and praying that this year that will actually come true! I also wanted to focus on being happy, thankful and grateful. The last few years have not been so great for me but I have also allowed the negative things over shadow all of the good. It’s so easy for us to do that isn’t it? I want to try to stay positive this year no matter what comes my way. Every day I’ve been stressed and worried about having breast cancer. I question “Will the chemo get it all?”, “Will surgery get it all?”, Will it come back?” These questions can’t be answered right now but I can be thankful that the doctors all say I caught it early. I guess I could sit around worrying, being stressed but what good will that do? I could also get in a car accident and die before this cancer has a chance to get me right? Isn’t that true for all of us? Evert day is a gift for us. Every time we leave our homes and get in a car we are taking a chance right? I totally trust my driving but I can’t say that for other drivers right? So, I’m going to choose to believe that I will be completely cancer free this year and that it will never return.
Another thing I have noticed over the last few months is what people complain and stress about. When you are going through an illness that can take your life, it’s funny how the little things don’t bother you anymore right? I over hear peoples complaints about life now and some of their struggles and to be honest I want to laugh at them but then I remember…I was the same way. Problems are problems no matter how big or small but when you go through something like cancer you get a whole new prospective on life. It’s really sad that we all tend to always grasp for the negative things in life instead of the positive things. You can wake up in the morning, all your bills are paid, you had three meals and some snacks today, your friends stopped by, the sun was shining, you felt good physically but some idiot at work said something negative to you and you let it destroy your day. Look at all the good that happened but you let one negative thing destroy your whole day and made you over look all the good that things that happened.
My goal is to let go of the little negative things and everyday if something bad happens that I would count back over that day and see how many good things happened. Today could be yours or mine last day on this earth…cancer or no cancer. Try to appreciate every moment you get and love the one your with!
I want to say a big thank you to my friend who has been my caretaker through this awful part of my life of being a cancer patient. Since I found out I had cancer in August she has gone to every doctor appointment and every chemo treatment. She has cooked and cared for me daily. She had cleaned and shopped. I really have no idea what I would have done without her. It has been very hard on her I’m sure because she does also work. God has placed some really great people in my life and I am so very thankful for them.
I also want to thank all of the people who have supported me and my career over the years especially over the last few years. You will never know how much I appreciate all of the love, comments and prayers you all have given through Facebook when I lost my brother and mother and now dealing with this cancer. I read all of your comments and appreciate all of you very very much!
I pray that 2018 brings everyone that reads this or that’s on my face book a very healthy, successful happy year. I for one am going to count on it being one my best years ever…if not the best!